Lovex Foorumin pvalikko
www.lovex.fi

 OhjeOhje   HakuHaku   KyttjlistaKyttjlista   KyttjryhmtKyttjryhmt   RekisteridyRekisteridy 
 KyttjtiedotKyttjtiedot   Kirjaudu sisn tarkistaaksesi yksityiset viestitKirjaudu sisn tarkistaaksesi yksityiset viestit   Kirjaudu sisnKirjaudu sisn 

Save me from the dark (english)

 
Lhet uusi viesti   Vastaa viestiin    Lovex Foorumin pvalikko -> Tarina-alue
Nyt edellinen aihe :: Nyt seuraava aihe  
Kirjoittaja Viesti
Vampire_Heart
Aina äänessä


Liittynyt: 08 Hel 2007
Viestej: 1212
Paikkakunta: Winterswijk // Netherlands

LhetLhetetty: 15.11.2007 7:56 pm    Viestin aihe: Save me from the dark (english) Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

Hey, in the english part they once said that I could post my fanfic here. So, I hope that still counts, otherwise, please tell me.
I have no idea what the rules are, so I just thought of the most common rules. And well, I can't really speak finnish, so it would be great to hear your reactions and critisism in english. ^^
And if I can't post my stories here, or there's something with the rules, Id like to hear it Razz I don't want to hurt anyone or something with my stories Rolling Eyes

.....................................................................
Title: Save me from the dark
Writer: Suzanne (Vampire_Heart)
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: 12+
Disclaimer: I don´t know or own the members of lovex, and this story is pure fiction and comes out of my weird mind. This story is mine, so don´t steal it.
Summary: Vivian gets transported to another world, Theon only gots a limited time to get him back
Characters: Vivian, Theon, Charlotte, Marix, Chass, Erin, Alissa
(maybe more)

Chapter 1

“You’re still together with that freak?” A bit angry, I look at Vivian.
“Okay, maybe she’s a little weird, but she’s not a freak! And yes, we’re still together.” Vivian smirks,
“Come on! A little weird? That girl think she’s a witch, and you say she’s only a little weird?” Stubborn as I am, I don’t answer his question. Okay, Charlotte may be a little weird, but she’s a wonderfull woman, and I love her. Avoiding Vivian’s questioning looks, which wants to know what I’m thinking about, I grab my cup of coffee. Vivian doesn’t have the right to judge her, he doesn’t know her like I do, I think while I drink my coffee.
“Theon, I pissed you off, didn’t I?” Vivian sighs, he knows he pissed me off a lot lately. Maybe because most of our conversations are about Charlotte. He doesn’t have to like her, but is it too much to ask if he can just be normal to her? Instead of saying things about her the whole time.
“I have to go,” I say, when I look at my watch, not answering this question of him either. While I grab my coat, I leave some money on the table, for the waitress. I don’t look at Vivian anymore, he knows well enough that he went to far, by calling her a freak.
“Goodbye, Vivian,” I say, and walk to the door of the café.

“Hi hun, I’m home!” I yell in the direction of the living room, while I hang my coat. No answer. I open the door to the living room, and come to the conclusion, that the living room isn’t full of candles, which is quite new. Mostly there’s a protection spell, or whatever, she wants to try out, and the living room is covered in candles. It’s a miricle the house never got on fire. “Charlotte?” I ask, and when I look around the living room, I see she fell asleep in front of the tv. A little smile appears on my face, she looks so beautiful when she’s asleep. My smile only gets wider when I see the cartoons that are playing on the tv, we always watch that together. I walk up to Charlotte, and press a little kiss on her forehead, so I won’t waker her up from her sleep. After that, I lift her up, and walk upstairs with Charlotte in my arms, where I put her in bed. Just at the moment I’m putting the blanket over Charlotte, the doorbell rings. From the three short rings, the doorbell makes, I can hear it’s Vivian. He always rings three times. I sigh, and walk downstairs again.

“What are you doing here?” I say, a bit rude, when I open the door for Vivian.
“I…uhm, I actually came to say sorry,” his face looks a bit ashamed. Probably he’s really sorry about what he said about Charlotte.
“Come in,” And I step aside, so Vivian can come in. He hangs his coat, and I walk up to the kitchen, to get something to drink.
“No candles?” Vivian asks the moment he walks into the living room, a bit of sarcasm flows around in his voice. That bit of sarcasm is enough to get me irritated again.
“No. No candles this time, what’s wrong with candles anyway?” Vivian doesn’t seem so bothered of the anger in my voice.
“Well, candles aren’t that bad, but what you use them for,” Vivian starts. “And well, mostly Charlotte uses candles for her ‘witchcraft’” he continues. He sounds condescending. With all my power I put the glasses I hold on the table, about a half from what was in the glasses, ends up on the table.
“If you only came to snap at her even more, you can leave right away.”
“Ah, come on Theon, you know it’s only a joke, but you have to admit she’s weird.” Vivian tries, but the anger in me is taking over.
“She’s not weird okay! She’s a wonderfull woman, and I love her! And you just can’t stand that!” I scream at Vivian. I pushed a sensitive button with that sentence, ‘cause I can see he’s getting angry too.
“Stop it!” I hear, just at the moment Vivian was about to say something. Charlotte is standing a few steps away from us, we both didn’t hear her come in. Right away Vivian turns to Charlotte.
“We stop it? This is all your fault! Our friendship is ruined because of you!” At that moment something snaps in my head, and my fist goes into the direction of Vivian’s nose. But just at the moment I was supposed to hit Vivian, a blue light swallows the room. And by the time the light is gone, Vivian is gone too.
_________________
Your designer heart still beats with common blood.

Repo! <3
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti
Nithir-
satutäti


Liittynyt: 26 Maa 2006
Viestej: 396
Paikkakunta: Kontiolahti

LhetLhetetty: 17.11.2007 7:44 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

I think this story is ok, even though I usually don't like fantasy fics at all. Well... The beginning is a little confused (Theon's and Vivian's retorts), but I understood what was the point. The first part's end is a bit clichè, like something happends and someone is gone. I doupt that maybe the word "witch" and that end tells too much to the reader.

Charlotte is for us very foreign name, that disturbs a little bit. Lovex is a Finnish band and I suppose this story's location is in Finland, or am I wrong? However, Finns have especial names and I understand that names might be annoying for people, who don't speak Finnish or live heare.

Well. I would like to read more. (:

And the rules... I try to write the rules for you in English, that you have some kind of idea. It's a bit hard for me, my English isn't brilliant and I can't find all the words (even I sometimes use dictionary). I try to explain so that you might understand.
Of course like crimes, it's hard to say what is immoral or something, so you can use your brains! (:

- Don't write about suicide or trying it, idealising of death and pain, cutting him/herself or simiral act, drugs or abuse of medicines.
- Don't send texts, which are immorals or might hurt Lovex's members or their intimates or readers. Including drugs, crimes, private life, sexual fics.
- Age limit is 11 (recommendation). No detailed violence, you can write light erotica (read: you can do when there are others in the room) and also light horror.
- Respect copyrights. In songfics (or fics like that), remember to mention the author.
- Continue your text in same topic, freely in same message. You can signify, where another part starts and put in the title the day when you have send here the new part for readers.
- Notice the appearance; no mistakes in text, clean text. If you need someone to correct the mistakes, betareaders will help.
_________________
Ei jaksa olla hiljaa, mutta ei kykene huutamaan perään.
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti MSN Messenger
Vampire_Heart
Aina äänessä


Liittynyt: 08 Hel 2007
Viestej: 1212
Paikkakunta: Winterswijk // Netherlands

LhetLhetetty: 17.11.2007 9:34 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

@Nithir-: Thank you very much Very Happy Your comment, and especially the translation of the rules really helps Very Happy Thank you, and about the english, my english isn't perfect either, so I don't mind Wink

Thank you a lot ^^ I really appreciate it Very Happy
_________________
Your designer heart still beats with common blood.

Repo! <3
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti
Vampire_Heart
Aina äänessä


Liittynyt: 08 Hel 2007
Viestej: 1212
Paikkakunta: Winterswijk // Netherlands

LhetLhetetty: 22.11.2007 9:30 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

Chapter 2

“What have you done with him?” I scream, when I don’t see Vivian anymore. Charlotte grins,
“I sent him to somewhere else, he deserved it. It’s his own fault.” Somewhere else? Where is somewhere else? I start to panick a bit, when I realise Vivian is really gone.
“How can I get him back?” I ask Charlotte. Her bright blue eyes pierce right through me, but it’s not the blue I know, it’s almost evil. Charlotte’s grin gets wider.
“You can bring him back, but there are things you need to know, and you should be absolutely sure you want him back.” At the moment Charlotte says that, I don’t doubt for a second. Ofcourse I want Vivian back! I mean, lately our friendship isn’t been everything, but we had our good moments. And our friendship is just too valuable to me to throw away.
“Tell me what I need to know.” Charlotte sighs, and she’s starting to look worried, probably because I sound so determined.
“Vivian is transported to a world called Sarandië, it’s a fantasyworld, and it’s not easy to get back when you’re there. I cursed Vivian, that means he lost his memory, I captured his memory in this,” Charlotte takes a small necklace out of her pocket. “If you find Vivian, you should just give him the necklace, and his memory returns. And within a second he’s transported back to this world again.” I laugh a bit,
“That’s not so difficult!” But one look into Charlotte’s eyes tells enough, there’s more to come.
“You only have three days to find Vivian, if you don’t succeed, you’ll die. You still got your memory, so you won’t feel part of that world, your body can’t take that longer than three days, and you’ll die. And if you’ll die, it means Vivian has to stay there. You’ll only have one chance to return, so you should be careful. And besides that, the world is full of danger. Vampires, Werewolfs, and much more. So it won’t be that easy as you thought. And if you lose the necklace, everything is over, then there won’t be any way to return.” My heart beats like crazy in my chest, it’s much different than I though, and I start to doubt.
“You can still say no,” Charlotte continues, but I shake my head. I owe this to Vivian, to our friendship.
“I’ll do it,” I whisper, and Charlotte walks up to me. She hangs the necklace around my neck, and presses a soft kiss on my lips.
“Be careful, when you arrive there, you’ll find a sword, I’m sure you’ll need it. And remember, three day, don’t trust anyone.” After those words, she goes back a few steps, and says a few weird words. A great flash of blue light appears around me, and I get dizzy, after that, everything fades to black.

“Where am I?” I whisper, when I open my eyes. My head almost explodes from the headache, and I feel weird. Flashes of the things that happened start to appear in my mind. Vivian vanished, the things Charlotte told me. Everything seems just so unreal, like it was all a dream. Did it even happen? And if it happened, how much time went by? Automaticly, my hand goes to the necklace that’s hanging around my neck. Vivian’s memory. When I look at the necklace closely, I see it’s a little hour-glass, the time is passing.
Finally I start to look around a bit, since I’m not at home, and still have the necklace, it probably wasn’t a dream. The world I landed it seems dark, the surroundings scare me a bit. Everywhere I look, I see dead trees, Not one colour, only black and white. Even my own haircolour seems grey in this weird light. It gives me the feeling, I’m never going to see sunlight again. I shiver, and try to ignore the scared and weird feeling that’s building up inside of me.
Suddenly something shiny gets my attention, it’s a miracle it still shines, ‘case I don’t see anything else besides shadows. Slowly I get up, and walk to the point where I see the shiny thing.
_________________
Your designer heart still beats with common blood.

Repo! <3
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti
-yours-
konkari


Liittynyt: 23 Hel 2007
Viestej: 506
Paikkakunta: Kemi

LhetLhetetty: 22.11.2007 9:40 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

That was quite good :>
I don't understand all the text, but still I like it.
_________________
its friday night and i'm feelin alright
E <3
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti MSN Messenger
dream
konkari


Liittynyt: 09 Syy 2006
Viestej: 627
Paikkakunta: Kuhmo

LhetLhetetty: 23.11.2007 12:25 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

You are very good writer, and I like this story. I don't understand everything, but I like this : )
_________________
Ei mun voimat voi riittää siihen, älä säikähdä ei tää paikka tuu muuttuu kuuna päivänä
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti Lhet shkposti Ky lhettjn sivustolla
blind
Untuvikko


Liittynyt: 28 Hei 2006
Viestej: 172

LhetLhetetty: 23.11.2007 7:49 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

I think that this is good story. Your text is clean but I would read little bit more about environment in that story. Even I understad it with my english what isn't brilliant..
But I would like to read more! : >
_________________
Nightingale in a golden cage


Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti
Nithir-
satutäti


Liittynyt: 26 Maa 2006
Viestej: 396
Paikkakunta: Kontiolahti

LhetLhetetty: 24.11.2007 2:07 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

You're a good writer, but chapter two is just what I don't like: chiché and fantasy. The story is good, but I've read to many similar stories.
I expected little more, maybe becouse Charlotte is a witch and Vivian knows that's a problem. You kollapsed by writing chapter to like "suddenly Vivian was missing, Theon panics and goes looking for Vivian in strange fantasyplace". Vampires and wolves aren't so traditional, I like that part.

I would still read more, you really are a good writer! (:

[edit] Oops, and like previous writer said, I would like too read more about environment and feelings.
_________________
Ei jaksa olla hiljaa, mutta ei kykene huutamaan perään.
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti MSN Messenger
Vampire_Heart
Aina äänessä


Liittynyt: 08 Hel 2007
Viestej: 1212
Paikkakunta: Winterswijk // Netherlands

LhetLhetetty: 26.11.2007 9:31 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

Thank you all ^^
I already have some in stock, but I'll try to work out all the critisism after that, Very Happy It really helps to improve my writing. Thank you all! *hugs*


..........................

Chapter 3

Softly, I stroke the blade, of the sword I just found. This must be the sword Charlotte was talking about, I put it back in the sheathe, which I put around my waist.. After that I hesitate a bit, I have no idea which way I should go. Charlotte didn’t tell me anything about that, I look around again, and see three road, all three leading a different way. Doubting I look to every road, how the hell am I supposed to know which one leads to Vivian?
“Follow your heart,” I hear Charlotte’s voice whisper. Scared I look around, where did that come from? When I don’t see anyone, I decide to do what the voice says, at least it’s better than doing nothing and just standing here. Without thinking, I take the left road, I’ll see where I end up.
While walking, I notice the surroundings start to change a bit, I see less trees, more clear sky. Still dark though, everything in black and white. Suddenly, a scream made me look around.
“Help me!” Shivers were running down my spine, as I try to find out where the scream came from.
“Help me!” I hear again, and I’m sure it’s coming from my right side. I run in the direction where I thought the scream came from, and I find a girl, attacked by a guy.
“Hey, you! Leave her alone!” Without thinking about it, I grab my sword, and run at the guy that’s attacking the girl. I see the fear taking over the guy, when he sees me running towards him with the sword in my hands. The guy doesn’t doubt a moment, and runs away, leaving the girl behind.
“Are you allright?” I ask the girl, who still look terrified, while I put the sword away again. The girl nods softly, which makes her long black hair fall in front of her eyes. “Here, let me help you get up,” she gratefully grabs the hand I hold in front of her, and I pull her up.
“Thanks, she whispers,” looking a bit strange at my blonde hair. “Where do you come from? You’re not from here.” She continues. Now it’s my time to nod, “how did you know?”

“So, Erin, right?” The girl, who’s name is Erin, nods, her crystal blue eyes are analysing every movement I make, which makes me nervous. “So, it isn’t strange when someone from an other world comes to this world?” I think about how that would be when that’d happen in my world. Everyone’d say you’re crazy when you say you’re from an other world, transported by witchcraft. They would send you to the hospital right away.
“Sometimes people from other worlds come to this world, mostly to be forgotten, they lost their memory, they’re transported to here by witches as revenge. They can spend the rest of their lives, wondering who they are, and what they’ve done wrong. Sometimes it also happens, someone like you, are coming to save their friend. But your body isn’t used to this world, this world is kind of depressing, and dark. Your body can’t take that, and after three days it’ll die. Except if you start to take part of this world, but that isn’t easy. So I’ve seen already many people like you die, because they want to get someone back. Mostly a lost love, I’ve never saw someone who came here to rescue his or her best friend. Always a lover. I wish I had someone like that.” Erin sighs and looks in front of her, her eyes seem dreamy, like she’s dreaming of the love she never had.
“And, do you know where the people mostly go, when they are transported here?” With that question I try to break the silence, and get Erin out of her thoughts. She wipes her long black hair out of her face, and starts to braid it. The silence takes such a long time, I’m starting to believe she didn’t hear my question, and just at the moment I want to ask it again, she answers.
“It’s always a different place, where those people end up. But this world isn’t that big, so you should be able to find him, you just have to know the right way.”
“How am I ever supposed to know the right way? And I don’t even know where Vivian is!” I reply to her, my voice starts to sound a little bit panicking, and Erin notices.
“You found me, right? Remember, nothing is a coincidence here, and everything, really everything, is usefull. You just have to know a way to use things.” With those words, erin gets up, and walks up to a tree. With a force, you’d never expect from a fragile girl like her, she breakes of the branch of a tree.
“Watch this,” She says, while she takes the branch, and walks to the middle of the road.
_________________
Your designer heart still beats with common blood.

Repo! <3
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti
dream
konkari


Liittynyt: 09 Syy 2006
Viestej: 627
Paikkakunta: Kuhmo

LhetLhetetty: 27.11.2007 1:46 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

Like I said before, you are very good writer and I would like to read more! : ) This is very good story ; )
_________________
Ei mun voimat voi riittää siihen, älä säikähdä ei tää paikka tuu muuttuu kuuna päivänä
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti Lhet shkposti Ky lhettjn sivustolla
Vampire_Heart
Aina äänessä


Liittynyt: 08 Hel 2007
Viestej: 1212
Paikkakunta: Winterswijk // Netherlands

LhetLhetetty: 12.12.2007 11:00 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

Thank you! Very Happy

................................

Chapter 4

When Erin reaches the middle of the road, she kneels down and she puts the branch down. Amazed, I look at the thing \s that are happening in front of my eyes: Erin is still kneeling down, next to the branch of a tree, and softly she starts to whisper to it. I can’t really hear what she says, but right after she gets up again, the branch starts spinning around. It keeps spinning for a few seconds, and after that, it stops, pointing in the direction, I was first going.
“Seems you were heading the right way!” Erin says, you can hear the triumph in her voice perfectly fine. But I still don’t get it.
“How do you know I was heading the right way? Does a branch of a tree tells you so much? What was it what you did just a minute ago? And why the hell should I trust you?” Erin giggles a bit, from all the questions I’m asking at the same time.
“You still have a lot to learn,” she starts when she sits down next to me again. “But you’ll learn soon enough with me as your guide.” After those words a sort of painful silence starts, I want so many answers, and it seems like Erin is searching for the right words to explain things to me. But my lack of patience doesn’t really help either. Nervous, I tap with my feet on the soft ground, while I look at it too. I want to find Vivian, and this waiting only makes me more nervous, I only have three days. My thoughts start spinning, as I imagine the green grass at home, here it just looks a bit greyish, like everything here. It’s a dark world.
“This word, isn’t much the same as your world.” Erin finally seems to have found the right words, and I’m happy she starts explaining “I already told you, that this world is much and much darker, but it still is a fantasy world. You came here, to get your best friend back, and you only have three days. So that’s why you don’t really think postive, that’s why this world is so dark. This world only exist in the imagination of people, so if you want, you can make it lighter. You also, can use magic, like I just did. Just have respect for everything, or at least the nature, in this world, and they’ll lead you the way. Like I just asked the branch of the tree, which was the quickest was to get to you friend. You just have to learn how to use that magic, but I’ll teach you, you have a whole lot to learn in these three days.” I nod, this all makes perfectly sense to me… not. What I got out of her story, was that I just have to trust her, that she’ll lead me to Vivian? I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
“You’re doubting,” Erin starts again, “I can see it from your face.” I decide to admit, and nod again.
“I do doubt, I mean, you say you’ll teach me, and lead me the way, but how can I trust you? I only just met you.” I look right into the crystal blue eyes of Erin, they scare me. But in her eyes, I can see that she already expected me to say this.
“I owe my life to you, if you didn’t show up, I would be dead by now, or maybe worse, so that’s why you can trust me, I have to pay you back somehow. Now, come on, we have to find your friend.” After those words, Erin gets up again, and walks in the direction the branch pointed, I follow. This time, I think I’ll have to trust her.

“So, tell me more about you.” I ask Erin, the whole time we were walking, we talked about me, and my life outside this world. I’m out of things to tell, and I don’t know anything about Erin yet. Erin laughs a bit,
“There isn’t much to tell you about me actually. I live in this world with my brother, no parents, no boyfriend. And lots of enemies. And that’s sort of it.”
“Lots of enemies? Why?” At the moment I ask that, Erin starts to laugh again.
“Everyone has a lot of enemies here, you can’t trust strangers, it’s a dangerous world. Just stick with the people you know.” I nod, and don’t answer anymore. My feet are starting to hurt, and probably we’ll have to walk on for a long time. How late would it be? In this world, I lost all my sense of time, while I want to look at my watch. Right at the moment I’m looking at my watch, a heavy pain goes through me.
“Argh!” Moaning from the pain, I fall down on the ground, while my hand goes automaticly to my chest. Erin doesn’t really seem to be surprised.
“Just, breathe calmly, I”m sorry to tell you, but this is only the beginning. Your body can’t take it to be in this world, and the pain is going to get a lot worse. A lot.”
_________________
Your designer heart still beats with common blood.

Repo! <3
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti
KaroliinaCZ
Aina äänessä


Liittynyt: 18 Elo 2007
Viestej: 1521
Paikkakunta: Kinkomaa/JKL

LhetLhetetty: 19.01.2008 5:42 pm    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

I have read this one on DeviantArt, right?
I agree with Nithir- the beginning is a bit confusing about who says what. Work on that Wink
_________________
Dreams don't come true on their own.
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti Lhet shkposti Ky lhettjn sivustolla
Amica
Untuvikko


Liittynyt: 23 Tou 2007
Viestej: 52
Paikkakunta: Oulu

LhetLhetetty: 24.01.2008 9:29 am    Viestin aihe: Vastaa lainaamalla viesti

Amazing story!!! I love fantasy.. <3 Smile
_________________
I used to have a life...

...then I started cheating on it with IB...

...and me and life got a divorce Sad
Takaisin alkuun
Nyt kyttjn tiedot Lhet yksityinen viesti Lhet shkposti MSN Messenger
Nyt edelliset viestit:   
Lhet uusi viesti   Vastaa viestiin    Lovex Foorumin pvalikko -> Tarina-alue Kaikki ajat ovat GMT + 3 tuntia
Sivu 1 Yht. 1

 
Siirry:  
Et voi kirjoittaa uusia viestej tss foorumissa
Et voi vastata viesteihin tss foorumissa
Et voi muokata viestejsi tss foorumissa
Et voi poistaa viestejsi tss foorumissa
Et voi nest tss foorumissa


phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group